So much has happened, not only in the past four months, but also so much has happened and changed this past year. I am no longer the woman I was when I arrived in Chile last December. I am not as naive, not as independent, and I have sacrificed many things. I have cried many tears, I have been frustrated when things have not gone my way, I have been scared of the unknown and of the future. Things have occurred that I did not expect. I had been in Chile for less than a month when my grandmother passed away and I did not go back for the funeral, my community still did not have a house to call our own, and it was unbearably hot. A reminder for those and for those who do not know: I hate everything about the heat. I hate sweating, I hate feeling uncomfortable, I cannot sleep, I cannot eat, and I can become snappy and short with people. I was definitely not my best person in January or in February, but community accepted me how I was (thank you Catherine and Jake). As time went on, things got a little easier: I got into a routine at work and with my social-service site, made new friends, and I felt like the two years would not be so bad. Then the winter came.
When people tell you it gets cold in Chile, you question what their idea of “cold” is. I grew in the Midwest and let me tell you, Chicago winters are brutal: sub-zero temperatures, 20-40mph wind, and pipes freezing. If I could survive a Chicago winter, I knew I could survive a Chilean winter. What people forget to leave out here is it tends to be colder inside buildings and houses than it is outside. I remember wearing my coat, hat, scarf, and gloves while working, and using my sleeping bag (this is addition to using my comforter, wool blanket, and sheets) when I would go to bed. The houses and buildings here have no insulation whatsoever. Also, I do not know if it has anything to do with how close we are to the South Pole, but it would get dark here early and would still be dark when I would leave for work in the morning. For example, I would head out of work around 5:30pm and it would be dark and when I would leave my house in the mornings and get to work around 8:00am, it still would be dark. Setting aside my misery for a moment, something else is brewing the winter here: discontentment. People, but more specifically, the Chilean youth had become disillusioned with the Chilean education system. There were massive weekly protests and students taking over their schools (I am not going to go into great detail because I have already written about this) and this was something I had never witnessed in the States.
Moving past the winter and onto Spring. I had gotten into a slump at work. I was growing bored and becoming frustrated. The students were apathetic and my relationships with some of co-workers deteriorated. I also was not too happy with community. I became somewhat homesick and longed for the life I had before JVC. I longed for something that was comfortable, safe, and something that I knew and that knew me. I remember crying on the phone when calling home. I remember telling my parents and friends how I was told I needed to change and to start taking more of an “initiative” (whatever that meant). I was told to start kissing ass (not in those words, but still the same sentiment) and make small talk with people. Those who are closest to me know I hate small talk and I have zero tolerance for superficiality. If keeping it real means not talking very much then so be it. How do I change who I am while still staying true to me? I remember feeling like the odd-man out when it came to community activity. The irony is that I participated in many community activities to not feel excluded. If the winter was not fun, the beginning of spring was not any better. I became more anxious and stressed. I gained somewhere between 10-20 pounds (I am not exaggerating here), my skin was horrible and I became overwhelmed when people would ask what I was doing for my birthday. I needed a break from everything. I needed a break from Chile, I needed a break from community, I needed a break from JV life ... or so I thought.
At the end of October, our community went up to Tacna, Peru for Re-O/Dis-O (Re-Orientation/Dis-Orientation) and it was great to see familiar faces. It was great to be on retreat with people who were going through similar struggles. It was great to be silly and laugh uncontrollably. It was great to be myself and not feel guilty about it. After the retreat in Peru, I returned to Chile energized and ready to take on Year 2. I was ready to make necessary changes in my life in order to be a person in my community and in my school. I was ready to re-commit to myself to JVC’s values and and to this experience. I began to eat better and to be more vocal about how I was feeling. I was ready to see more of what Santiago had offer when I had free time and I was ready to hang out with new and old friends. I was ready to become a second-year volunteer and ready to make myself 100% available to the new volunteers.
Now, the new volunteers are here and I am getting ready to wrap up the school year. The year has gone by quickly and before I know it, it will be time for me to return to the States. I have to start thinking about what I am going to be doing when I get back. Future plans. Something I have put hold on since accepting JVC. I am thinking more and more about law school, but I do not know if I want to practice law. I would like to have a JD, but I am also thinking about working for an NGO or evening working as a Foreign Service Officer. I have a year still to figure all of that out. Right now, I need to be present in the present. I need to be here for my students who have loved me from Day One and present to my ever-expanding community. I am excited for the future. I am excited, scared, and nervous for the unknown. There are so many emotions going on inside of me right now, but as long as I trust in the process and in God, I will be okay. I know I have not written anything in here about Christmas, but Merry Christmas or Happy Hanukkah (however you want to take it). I am grateful for this year and I am grateful for the year that is to come. I am grateful for both the good and the bad. I am grateful for community and for God's Grace. I am hopeful and optimistic. I am awaiting the Good News and I am reviving my hope in all good things. Although there is much darkness and sorrow in world, we must not forgot the good. There is always good. Hopefully, I will be updating this after the Holidays, but I am not making any promises. I do what I can. Peace, Love, and LIVE THE FOURTH!
And Joseph too went up from Galilee from the town of Nazareth to Judea, to the city of David that is called Bethlehem, because he was of the house and family of David,to be enrolled with Mary, his betrothed, who was with child. While they were there, the time came for her to have her child, and she gave birth to her firstborn son.* She wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn. Now there were shepherds in that region living in the fields and keeping the night watch over their flock.The angel of the Lord appeared to them and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were struck with great fear.The angel said to them, “Do not be afraid; for behold, I proclaim to you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. For today in the city of David a savior has been born for you who is Messiah and Lord and this will be a sign for you: you will find an infant wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a manger.”And suddenly there was a multitude of the heavenly host with the angel, praising God and saying:“Glory to God in the highest and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.” - Luke 2:4-14
